Parent check: Whose life are you helping to manage, yours or your kids?

By Arum Budiani | ig: arum_ourlearningfamily |  ourlearningfamily.blogspot.co.id 

Pilihan baju kakak-kakak ketika kami  menginap. Saya hanya memberikan mereka jumlah setiap jenis baju yg butuh disiapkan beserta keperluannya buat apa. Sisanya ya mereka yg pilih with no intervention from us parents (pun ada, berupa saran, dan berhak ditolak oleh mereka)

Ada seorang teman yg baru2 ini posting soal anaknya yg mulai negosiasi macam2. Lalu saya ikut berkomentar kalau nggak usah nunggu remaja, punya anak tween (pre-teen) aja udah macam2 negosiasinya, apalagi yang punya siblings, the whole negotiation thing goes up into peace-treaty-level negotiations all.the.time. *endless drama here folks, move along* 😂😂😂


Meski pas ngadepin itu berasa gregetan, gemesan n kremesan pake sambel level jontor to the max, tapi kalau dipikir-pikir setelahnya, it's so very heartwarming to see the kids growing and learning to manage their lives according to how they see fit. Kadang kita lupa, it's *their* lives (in the long run) that we are helping them manage, not ours. We are but only facilitators in helping them figure our their world, teaching them the rules/boundaries/limitations, but the rest is basically up to them, helping them figure out what works best for *them*, which might not necessarily works best for us, haha  Enter negotiations, discussions, win-win solutions..  (and a whole lot of chocolate for me) 😆 ... just hang in there and make sure to do things keep your sanity😂😂😂


On that note, might I say that learning to live together as a family *takes a lot of hard work*, a whole lot of negotiation, and a lifetime of doing it. With the end goal in mind, you want family to be a sanctuary and roots to come home to, right? Semangat yaa! You're not alone... all of us parents are in the same boat, and we're all learning together!  May Allah ease the way for you to achieve peace within your families and yourselves ❤.


#ourlearningfamilyvalues

Dear Moms of Kids With Allergies, You Are Not Alone.

Your struggle is real, as real as the red rashes that appear on your baby’s cheeks.

Your fear is real, every time you want to eat something but you’re afraid that it may cause a new allergic reaction on your very own offspring. 

Your guilt is real, every time you know that your baby is allergic to something but you can’t stand the temptation to eat just one tiny bite of that chocolate cake you haven’t eaten for months. 

Your despair is real, every time you crave for comfort food—food that you have loved since you were little—but you can’t since your baby is allergic to it. 

Your weariness is real, all the time spent in the kitchen making meals that you would love to just order out and buy, but can’t since it’s too risky for allergens. 

Your frustration is real, every time you try a new “allergy free” recipe and it flops, when your toddler has a birthday party to go to but has to bring her own cake so she can eat “cake” like other kids there. 

Your strength is real, every time you have to explain to family members, friends, and strangers that your kid is allergic and that is his allergic reaction. 

Your humility is real, every time you politely decline party or get-together invitations because you know that the menu won’t support your allergen-free diet. 

Your bravery is real, every time you wake up in the morning, trying again and again to face this challenge—one that has changed your whole life in the blink of an eye. 

Your hope is real, every time you choose to be optimist and trust that your baby will someday overcome his allergies. 

Your feelings are real, they’re completely normal, because you, Mama, are human. 

And you, strong mama, are not alone.  

April 14, 2017

By Arum Budiani

http://ourlearningfamily.blogspot.com

Raising Humans

By Arum Budiani – http://ourlearningfamily.blogspot.com

Sept.11, 2016

I’ve been meaning to write a lot ever since the newest baby was born--- I know, you get the urge to write at the weirdest, busiest, and most impossible times to write haha! Dengan diingatkan kembali niat buat sedekah setiap hari, seenggaknya berusaha sedekah ilmu aja kali ya... bahkan mungkin bukan ilmu, sekedar sharing paradigma aja. Karena kita melihat hidup kita melalui kacamata masing-masing, siapa tau kacamata kita butuh dipoles dikit lensanya biar semakin jernih :) 

Alhamdulillah, sejak lahiran, beberapa hari terakhir ini kepala si emak HS ini sudah mulai bisa memikirkan hal lain selain ngejar jadwal ASI dan ngejar jam tidur. Well, life doesn’t stop just because you gave birth to a baby, right? Si Hubs dah selesai cuti dari minggu lalu, anak-anak juga udah selesai “libur”nya, the daily grind must go on. You would think that, being the 3rd time around, parenting would go easier. In reality? I think it’s all about prespective. About how you look at what parenting really is, what having kids really means to you.

No offense, but one of my major ick-factor is when someone says to me, “Udah, langsung aja nambah anak, biar sekalian capeknya...”. And I’m like, WHAT?!? 1. Elo kata, gue kayak kucing, punya anak tiap musim kawin, sekali beranak banyak? 2. Emangnya membesarkan anak-anak itu seperti nyuci piring atau nyuci baju atau kerjaan rumah tangga lainnya--- sekalian dikerjakan supaya cepat selesai lalu berleha-leha kemudian? Tentunya kedua jawaban ini nggak saya katakan ya, jawaban andalan saya hanya senyum dan ketawa diplomatis sambil melipir ke tempat lain atau ganti topik pembicaraan.

Buat saya, punya anak itu artinya dapat kesempatan istimewa untuk membesarkan manusia. Yes, raising humans, not kittens. Kalau hewan piaraan cukup dikasih makan/minum, dijaga kebersihannya, dan diberikan kasih sayang... kalau manusia, it is way more than that. Raising humans, not racing to get them all grown up and out of the house.  I know, it sounds ironic. Tapi setiap kali dengar ada orang tua yang bilang “Iya nih, masih ngasuh bocah-bocah di mall” atau “asyik, giliran papanya ngasuh anak-anak”... it seems like spending time with your children make you as excited as.... washing dishes. (hahaha, yes, it’s obvious, I hate washing dishes). Sesuatu yang pingin cepat-cepat diselesaikan. Kewajiban yang melelahkan.

Yes, I know parenting IS exhausting and it NEVER ENDS. Nggak terbatas pada ayah ibu yang berada di rumah, bahkan ayah ibu bekerja pasti tetap memikirkan anak-anak mereka sepanjang hari. Status orang tua itu sudah melekat dan nggak bisa dilepaskan... jadi, kenapa kita nggak menikmatinya sekalian???

We have been given the special priveledge of being someone’s mom or dad. Anak-anak kita nggak milih kita... we were chosen for them.. and they are programmed to love us unconditionally no matter what we do. So why take this priveledge for granted? Kita nggak tahu sampai kapan dapat kesempatan buat menikmati mereka tumbuh. And don’t let tragedy be your wake-up call, naudzubillahminzalik. You can wake up thankful everyday, but you sometimes forget just how much a priveledge it is to be a parent somewhere along the long journey. Fyi, for me, the most recent reminder untuk bersyukur adalah ketika tanda tangan berlembar-lembar Informed Consent pra-operasi SC-- itu cukup sebagai wake-up call, if anything else.  With every signature, I prayed that I would be given many more chances to become a better parent. Yeah, going to an operating table can do wonders for you to think about your life.

So dear parents, let’s enjoy our moments with our kids. Jangan anggap mereka sebagai bagian sebuah “to-do list” yang perlu dikerjakan supaya cepat selesai. Nikmati waktu bersama mereka sebelum mereka tahu-tahu udah mau terbang dari sarang. Be happy with them. Let them know you are thankful to be their parents. Yakinkan anak-anak kalau “mengasuh” mereka bukan sesuatu yang “melelahkan” atau “terpaksa dilakukan”... tapi kesempatan istimewa, karena mereka istimewa!  

Life Happens

When you homeschool, everything that happens to you as a family impacts the WHOLE family. You can plan out schedules up until the whole year, but when life happens, you just gotta adjust the best you can and go with the flow. Beberapa bulan kemarin, jadwal homeschooling kami secara mendadak harus mengalami “penyesuaian”. Ya, selain karena alasan yang umum, misalnya Little Bug, si Hubs, Baby Bird, dan saya juga akhirnya sakit berturut-turut (alhamdulillah nggak sampai rawat inap, hanya mulai dari demam tinggi, radang tenggorokan, dan paling parah Little Bug kena tyfus), yg mengharuskan kami banyak beristirahat, selain itu.... alhamdulillah, another little life insyaaAllah is happening inside me :) This little life unexpectedly made my days a bit stagnant for the past 3 months, karena harus menyesuaikan dengan mual, lemas, hilangnya nafsu makan, rasa ngantuk luar biasa, dan semi-bedrest yang menyebabkan saya harus libur nyetir dulu sampai dinyatakan aman. Praktis kegiatan saya dan anak-anak jadi lebih banyak di rumah dan saya di tempat tidur atau sofa, nggak bisa naik-turun ke ruangan yang biasa kami pakai buat bermain dan melakukan paperwork lainnya.

Panik? Ya, kalau nggak terbiasa melihat anak-anak main seharian sih iya, karena seolah-olah ada “warning” di belakang kepala saya yang berbunyi “Gimana dengan target schoolworknya Little Bug? Gimana dengan kegiatan-kegiatan Baby Bird? Akan terpenuhi kah? Akankah mereka “ketinggalan” dibandingkan anak-anak seusianya?” Yaa, kurang lebih seperti itulah. Banyak “liburnya” alias minimal schoolwork (buat Little Bug) dan sisanya main bebas di rumah. Hmm, gak jauh beda dengan sehari-hari sih.. hanya kerasa nggak maksimal aja dari bagian sayanya, padahal anak-anak mah seneng-seneng aja dan saya juga jadi diingatkan bahwa free play itu banyak sekali proses belajar yang terjadi, hanya kita nggak melihat saja :) Paling banter saya usahakan Little Bug menulis di journal hariannya, mengerjakan math worksheets buat latihan soal (karena kelas 1 SD menurut materi kurnas sedang pada bagian penjumlahan/pengurangan 2-digit, jadi mau nggak mau memang harus rajin latihan supaya lebih terbiasa dan teliti), dan sesekali mengerjakan latihan soal pelajaran lain (spt PPKN, Bhs.Indonesia, dsb) dari buku soal kelas 1 SD (cara curang saya, karena 1 buku isinya ringkasan pelajaran + latihan soal hehehe). Alhamdulillah juga target materi buat kelas 1 SD juga belum terlalu banyak, jadi bisa juga tercover sedikit banyak dari baca buku-buku cerita/ nonfiksi yang berhubungan dengan topik-topik tsb. Idealnya mah lebih banyak percobaan, arts & crafts, dkk... but hey, life happens and you just gotta do what you can til the situation is better (which at times  felt like for-e-ver, but turns out baru beberapa bulan aja kok!).

Berbeda dengan kalau mengirim anak-anak ke sekolah formal, kondisi ortu nggak akan banyak mempengaruhi.. kalau begini, saya terus terang di awal-awal sempat merasa down.. bisa nggak ya saya tetap HS anak-anak dengan kondisi seperti ini? Apakah anak-anak saya dirugikan? Dan gong-nya: Am I a bad mom for making this decision?

Lalu.. saya mencoba melihat sisi positifnya. After all, life is to be celebrated and Hubs & I are really thankful for all the little lives in our life (including the little-est that we are super-excited about)! Anak-anak sikapnya masyaaAllah, jadi jauh lebih pengertian selama beberapa bulan terakhir. Little Bug lebih banyak ngemong Baby Bird, mereka lebih akur dalam bermain (baca: porsi akur lebih banyak daripada porsi berargumen/bertengkar) dan juga lebih banyak membantu saya di rumah (walaupun ada ART yang pulang-pergi, tapi tetap mereka berusaha membantu yang kecil-kecil). Mereka maklum dengan menu makanan yang lebih sederhana dan sering beli, maklum juga kalau saya lebih sering tidur sebentar-sebentar karena mual, juga lebih sering menanyakan “Gimana keadaan Mama? Masih mual? Adik bayi baik-baik aja kan?”.

Ketika cek bulanan (bonus: cek bulanan ke dokter bisa dianggap sebagai field trip HS, hahaha), mereka kagum melihat layar USG (sekeluar dari ruang dokter, pasti ramai celotehan soal adik bayi yang ‘melambaikan tangan’ dan bergerak-gerak ‘saying hello’ ke kakak-kakaknya) dan Little Bug juga berusaha mencerna tahap-tahap perkembangan bayi dari poster-poster yang ada di luar kamar periksa. Baby Bird juga berusaha memahami apa yang terjadi dengan pengertian untuk seusianya, terutama mengapa saya harus banyak istirahat beberapa bulan kemarin (“Karena bayinya masih belum nempel ya di dalam perut Mama?”). Lalu dia juga sering tiba-tiba mengeluarkan pertanyaan atau celotehan lucu, seperti, “Adik bayi mau ikut kita pergi juga ya?” (uhm, nggak bisa ditinggal juga di rumah kan hehehe) dan “Mama makan lele, berarti adik bayi nanti juga suka lele dong?” (well, I hope so! Scientists say that the eating appetite/tastes for the later born baby is affected by what the Mom eats during her pregnancy... so you can see why I was so frustrated when I lost my appetite in the 1st trimester of this pregnancy---food just didn’t look appetizing to me, even though I was hungry, hikz!).

Buat saya yang awalnya sempat down, googling berbagai blog tentang punya anak 3 dan sengaja cari yang lucu-lucu, because humor helps! Nemu website ini tentang keluarga yang punya anak 3, sounds real and it made me laugh and cry at the same time (blame the pregnancy hormones!). I like real blogs that combine humor with reality instead of preaching perfection, memudahkan untuk enjoy the ride :)

 Saya sangat bersyukur atas kehidupan ini, tapi namanya manusia biasa, pasti ada saat-saat saya merasa panik, khawatir, sedih, bersalah, gelisah, dkk... it’s only human to go through the WHOLE range of emotions (from super excited to sad) when you are expecting another little life, and if we can accept and embrace all of the feelings, insyaaAllah it will be easier to deal with the situation and be thankful for everything. In other words, you embrace the fact that life happens and you are more blessed than you will ever realize!

Every experience is humbling and teaches you something new each day. You can make plans but in the end, the important thing is that you are all happy and healthy together as a family... because every moment is special, no matter if it goes according to your original plans or not. You may not be achieving weekly/monthly targets, but other learning experiences are happening and reminds you that learning is not just textbooks and worksheets, even if you already know that it’s true but you are reminded in the realest (is that even a word?) way possible. You learn to trust your kids, trust their innate abilities, trust that they will develop accordingly under God’s care, and really trust your days in God’s plans. You learn to make the best out of everything, even if your days look like instant noodles, playdoh, and Disney Jr. Cartoons (and you definitely learn NOT to look at [read: compare yourself to] what other moms on pinterest/facebook/instagram/path/whatsapp groups/other social media are doing for their kids at this moment, haha!). You learn to see the smiles on your kids face, because they don’t expect anything but to spend time with you (even though you feel like a sloth and suddenly fall asleep during a story or a game of Candyland). You learn to enjoy each day. You learn to be as happy-go-lucky as your kids... because being happy and thankful and content is a choice, not an outcome of certain pre-meditated conditions and plans. You learn to embrace life and give yourself without losing sight of what’s important... and you learn to fight and struggle to make everything better, even though you don’t actually know what tomorrow will bring.. but you try and you pray and you trust God. That’s it.

So, that’s where we are in life right now, juggling homeschool and pregnancy and life as a whole. And I couldn’t be more thankful, alhamdulillah! :)

Confessions of a real, imperfect Mom

The mothering world out there is harsh. Yep, no kiddin! Dengan tanggung jawab membesarkan seorang anak (atau 2, 3, bahkan lebih), tekanan untuk menjadi “the ultimate supermom” itu sangatlah nyata. Seolah-olah your existence will be graded on how your kids will turn out. Sejak masih mengandung, kita sudah dibombardir dengan berbagai macam pilihan buat si baby setelah dia lahir nantinya: cloth diaper or disposable, breastmilk or formula, organic food or ordinary available groceries, co-sleeping or independent sleeping, ….. the list goes on and on and on and on. And then comes social media with the pictures and statuses of Moms who make all their kids meals from scratch from their own organic garden, make their toys from all recyclables, have the clean house like from the magazine pages,  and all the “ideal” things we all want for ourselves and our children. After all, our kids are top priority, so we want only the best for them, right?

The thing is, the pressure is so intense to be the ultimate super-duper mom that sometimes we lose ourselves in the beautiful journey of motherhood. We think that being a mom is another chore to cross off our daily list. But it's not. 

You forget that being a mom is a lifelong BLESSING. And your kids LOVE YOU for who you are, not for what others think about you.

 You can be so busy in trying to create the “Perfect and Ideal” that you lose sight of what’s important: loving you for who you are and being happy just being together with your children. 

Don’t get me wrong, we all have ideals and goals to strive towards. But don’t treat motherhood as if it were a black and white TV show. The episodes of motherhood are far from black and white, right or wrong. Apart from the religious and moral rules that we follow, the rest is an infinite number of pixels and colors that make your journey the ultimate blessing that God gave you. Each and every mother’s journey and struggle is her own. You are not one to judge them because you will never know her whole story. Remember, mothers are humans that make mistakes. Mothers are also lifelong learners that do their best within a given circumstance, so we should treat each other like that. Spread knowledge without judgement, because each mom will make decisions based on what’s feasible for her family, which sometimes might just be the best of the worst choices that she has.

So for all fellow moms out there…

Stop pressuring yourself because you are not perfect! Anak-anak akan belajar bahwa menjadi seorang manusia tidaklah harus sempurna.. yang penting adalah kita tidak pernah berhenti berusaha  untuk melakukan yang terbaik yang kita bisa. Bacalah banyak ilmu soal parenting dan pilihlah yang kira-kira cocok buat keluarga dan situasi yang dijalani. Take baby steps with your kids because your journey is not for them, but with them. Jelaskan ke anak-anak (dengan sederhana) bagaimana kita berusaha menjadi lebih baik sedikit demi sedikit. It’s okay to let them know if you make mistakes.. minta maaf dan beri tahu upaya kita untuk belajar dari kesalahan itu. Dengan demikian, kita memberikan contoh nyata bahwa it’s perfectly human to make mistakes, dan yang penting terus berusaha belajar menjadi lebih baik. 

Nikmatilah waktu makan dengan anak-anak, apapun makanannya. Nikmatilah waktu bermain dengan anak-anak, apapun mainannya. Nikmatilah waktu dengan anak-anak, titik. Be happy just being with them, apapun momennya.

And be happy being you, a mom. Take time to take care of yourself. Eat chocolate when the kids are sleeping. Watch cartoons with them in your pijamas from time to time. Have ice cream for breakfast as a special treat. You make your own happiness, not others. Never stop learning, never stop loving. 

Happy Indonesian Mother’s Day. Be happy, Moms… enjoy your blessing!